No Duct Tape/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, instead of complaining about winter, people need to get out in it. You know, have a little bit of fun. That's how you stay warm. Some people skate. Some people ski. Some people get naked and roll around in the snow. Before you know it, instead of being on a cold snow bank, they're in a warm police car. Personally, I like tobogganing. In fact, I like it so much, I've improved it. What I've done here is I've duct taped a frozen turkey to a couple of toboggans going different directions. We called this a double-ender back when I was dating. All right, now, this is the rope that comes up from the turkey toboggan. All's you do is wind that around something solid at the top of the hill, maybe a steel pipe or a birch tree or a frozen fat guy. And then what I've done is I've tied the other end of the rope to the back of my toboggan. I'm basically ready to go. Now, I've set up this toboggan just like the other one, except that this time, I'm the turkey. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Well, we've got a real big day tomorrow at the lodge. We're having a canoe race against the guys from caribou lodge. So, just got our equipment back into shape there. These canoe paddles took a bit of a beating during the talent show. Buster hadfield was trying to juggle them, and forgot about the ceiling fan. Oh, geez. Oh! ( groaning and complaining ) red, I've found the canoe. It wasn't where you said, though. It wasn't behind the back stop on the target range. It was the back stop on the target range. All right, well just leave it there, dalton. We'll fix it later. We'll do the paddle's first. Just hold this, will you? Think that canoe's gonna float with duct tape patches? Well, not for too long, but it'll just make you paddle faster. How long's this paddle going to hold together? The same as the canoe. I figure your best bet is to go like stink and wear a bathing suit. Okay. That roll's done. See another roll of duct tape anywhere, dalton? No, no. You might try the cupboard. The guys all know they're supposed to put it back when they're done. Yeah, right. Okay. We're out of duct tape, dalton! Okay. Okay. Okay. Try to stay calm, red. Stay calm! We're out of duct tape, dalton! Okay, I'm going to phone the hardware store. They'll deliver it today. Now, what's the number? Number one on the speed dial. This has never happened before. I may have to shut down the whole lodge. Hello, this is possum lodge. We need a dozen -- two dozen! Two dozen! Okay we need three dozen rolls of duct tape delivered right away! Pardon. Right, yeah. What? What is it? (voice quivering) all right, fine. Thanks. They're on back order. What? They won't have them for two weeks. Two weeks without duct tape. Red, red, try and hold it together. Hold it together. Hold it together with what? It's time for the possum lodge word game! Today, dalton humphrey will be playing for 250 pounds worth of free weights. Delivery not included. Okay, cover your ears, dalton. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And go! Okay, dalton, when you go to bed what do you do to the alarm clock? Unplug it. Okay, if you started buying those beanie babies, you wouldn't stop until you had a complete... Financial breakdown. Okay, when you put something down somewhere, you... Forget where it is. This is an expression they use in a movie. They'll say, "quiet on the..." western front! You're almost out of time, red. Okay, dalton, at suppertime, what do you do to the dining room table? Put away my train set. That's it! [ ringing bell ] well, there you go! This is the up close and personal part of the show, and we've had absolutely no feedback on the segment, and we find that very encouraging. So, today, we're going to take a little closer look at the man we know as ed frid. So, ed, maybe you could tell us a little bit about the frid household back in the early days before you became an animal control officer. Oh, well, we had a great family. Everything was perfect. Mom, dad, sis, me. We had a a little house and a tire swing, a little white picket fence. It was the kind of childhood all kids want. At least it was until we moved. Moving can be very difficult for a child. What part of that was traumatic for you? Well, it's hard for me to talk about this, red. But my dad bought a house right next to an animal shelter. Oh, so that's how you were really introduced to animals. Oh, no, red, there were no introductions. No, they came over whenever they wanted to. They clawed their way up over the fence. They'd tunnel their way into our basement. They'd slither into our house through the mail slot and they always came right for me. You know, my father could be asleep on the couch, in his undershirt, but, oh, no, they'd go right past him and up to my room. Well, did you tell your parents that this was going on? Well, yes. Yes, I did. They said I was making the whole thing up to explain why my bed was wet. And were you making it up, ed? Not totally. Well, doesn't it seem odd to you that a guy who went through all that would end up being an animal control officer? No, no, not really. You see, I don't blame the animals. I never blamed the animals. Uh, if there are any animals watching now, I never blamed you, and please don't hurt me. I'm just saying you should have maybe been a teacher or librarian or sell unpainted furniture or something. Well, now, that wouldn't solve anything, would it? Because animals can still go into schools and libraries and even unpainted furniture stores. That's why we need to control them, not hurt them. I never said hurt them. We have to manage them and, you know, keep them with food and a place to live and keep them safe. Otherwise, they might end up attacking innocent people in bed, even though their father's a way better target, just lying there in his undershirt snoring and reeking of pork rinds. Okay. Okay. All right, ed. Well, we're pretty much out of time here. So maybe you can cap this off by giving a bit of advice to some of the youngsters who are watching out there. Sure. Kids, you may find that there are many things in life that are very scary. And you may be tempted to run away, but don't do it. They can run 10 times faster than you. Got a real hummer of a tip for you this time. You know in the winter everybody has a fire going, and I'm thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could use that smoke to send signals to your neighbours? It would come in real handy if, say, your phone was cut off 'cause, maybe, your phone bill had accidentally slipped through the cracks of your garbage can lid. Speaking of which, I'm looking at this kitchen garbage can, and I'm thinking, hey, wouldn't it be great if I put this on top of the chimney and use it as a valve for the smoke? Now, I took the pedal off, and I mounted the rest of the unit over the chimney. Then I extended this rod from the lid all the way down, through the roof, down here, inside, comes all the way down through my hook-up, right up to the foot pedal, which I've situated by the wood stove. So basically, I can control the whole communication process from the comfort of my living room. Plus, I got this book on morse code, which'll allow me to convert my files to digital. Sort of like a computer. So you can either stand outside to get my messages, or you can use windows if you have 'em. All right, let's give her a try. See if you can understand this. The pedal's come off. ( coughing ) did you get the message? ( coughing ) one of the things that changes as you get older is your attitude towards parties. That's because after you've been married for a while you realize men and women have totally different approaches to them. The woman wants to know who's coming to the party; the man just wants to know who's bringing the beer. The woman cleans up whatever's lying around the home so the guests will think she keeps a neat house. The man will leave tools lying around the home so the guests will help build a deck. The woman always wants to find out what's going on with everybody; the man avoids that information. It's safer. It prevents him from blurting out something he's not supposed to know in front of someone who's not supposed to hear it, especially if that someone is carrying one of the tools that I mentioned earlier. So my advice is when you get to our age, stop going to parties. Bringing friends together for the sole purpose of letting loose is not a good idea. People are like nuts and bolts. They don't work well loose. There's too much play. You want to have a wing-ding, you're better off in a bar full of strangers than a house full of friends. You want to go where the lights are low, people are all the same. You want to go where nobody knows your name. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in the together. Well, there doesn't seem to be a single roll of duct tape in the whole possum lake area. I think those guys from caribou lodge are hoarding it all. So we're forced to fix the canoe by recycling duct tape we've used on other stuff. I think it's gonna work out fine. Red, I found some duct tape we can use. Wow, where'd you get this? Dalton, this stuff doesn't stick. Oh sure it does. Look, look, look. Look, it's fine. No, dalton it's not fine. Oh, yeah, I'm going. No, no, red, don't do it. I've gotta go. I'm going. Please, red, no! Dalton, this is an emergency. Red, no one has broken that glass in 50 years. Mr green! Mr green! I brought you something I think might cheer you up. Oh, my gosh. Dalton, mike brought us duct tape. Mike brought us duct tape. Way to go, mike! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. This isn't duct tape. It's masking tape painted grey. Audience: O-o-oh! It's not the same thing, mike! It's not the same thing! Way to go, mike. Aw, mike, sorry I snapped at you there. I haven't had duct tape in over three hours. Gimme that hammer, dalton. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Dalton, we cannot go on living like this. 50 years it's been there, mike. I got it! We're going to be okay, guys. Everything's going to be okay. When you send a special package to a loved one or whatever, it can be very disappointing when it arrives all beat up like this, especially, if there's an expensive clock inside or a small animal or something. And that's even after you cover the darn thing with warning stickers. I tell you, to them, "fragile" is french for "throw underhand." and "this end up" means they'll decide how this'll end up. Well, here's a different approach. Maybe this warning sign will work a little better for you. All right, gord? Just give me a minute. Been some kind of an accident or something? Yeah, I'm good. No. It's just that darn lightning again. Oh, boy, that stings. You got hit by lightning? I think so. There was a bright flash of light and then the smell of burnt hair. So it's either lightning, or somebody threw a squirrel through my bug zapper. What does it feel like when lightning nails you like that? Well, it's not too bad. You lose consciousness and about 90 percent of your memory. But it's invigorating, you know. Oh, but you have to remember not to take your clothes off for a few days. Otherwise huge sparks leap off your body parts, and that can be dangerous. Especially if you're slow dancing. I wonder, gord, if you would consider getting out of the fire tower, you know, when you see a storm coming. Well, it's my job, red. I mean, if I left the tower, lightning could very well strike a tree and start a forest fire. You see, red, trees are made out of wood, and they burn very easily. I've looked into it. It's not your duty to be killed, though, gord. Well, I realize that, red. I'm very pleased to report that I've never been killed. I don't think your brain cells got off that lucky. Well, maybe not, but if there's one tree out there I can save, well, darn it, that's what I'm going to do. You know some people call me crazy. Do you think I'm crazy, red? Oh, for sure. Yeah. I love that sense of humour. I love it. All right, gord, well, if you've got to stay in the tower, would you at least get me a lightning rod and put it on top of the thing? I have a lightning rod. It's right on the roof of my tower. And is it grounded right into the ground? What do you mean? Well, there's supposed to be a wire that runs down to the -- well, here's a wire. Where does this go? Well, it's attached to your chair, gord. Red: Ed frid had called us out behind the lodge. He'd lost his pet groundhog, and he wanted some help finding it. And walter was there. Walter went one way, we went the other. A lot of times they'll dig several -- there it is. There it is. They dig several holes, so walter was working on one of the groundhog holes, and we didn't realize that we were working in another one in close proximity. And, of course, we thought we'd grabbed the groundhog. Oh, oh, turns out -- he gave us the slip. A lot of times, the groundhog will stay up in a tree. Look at that. They sun themselves. So all you've got to do is go up and get them out of the tree. This is something I didn't realize, that they like to stay up there. I figure all we gotta do is take a rock and just a light nip... But ed said no. You're not doing that. You're going to hurt his favourite groundhog. So I just chucked the rock away, which he told he to do. Thank you, ed, for a brilliant suggestion. So, ed, with the animal control office he works out of, has all kinds of equipment. A blow gun is really what it is. They have the tranquilizer darts, which gives them the exact dosage for a groundhog, apparently. All he wanted was for us to catch the groundhog when it fell. Catch that in the blanket. It'd be asleep for a few minutes, and then it'd be all right. Ed got all set there and unfortunately he inhaled. There we go. So then, walter had an idea. He thought if he could actually go up the tree with the dart and the dart gun, and then he could get a better shot at it. It would work out better. Then ed and I would stay down with the blanket to catch the groundhog. So walter gets himself into position. He's usually a pretty good shot, but groundhogs are cagey. They'll move on you if you're not careful. So he gets the dart and gets all set and shoots. The groundhog ducks and the dart hits the tree and... Oh! Well, he's young he'll get over it. So I thought I'd grab the branch, and I could pull the branch down, and we'll just grab the groundhog there. But it seems the branch is a little brittle and -- he takes off and he's way outside the centre line, and it looks good. Looks good. Looks good. That's three points! If you're a handyman, you probably have one of these somewhere, a big can full of nuts and bolts, parts left over from things you've put together or things you've blown apart. It's a lot better than throwing the stuff away, but what a pain to have to sort through everything when you need something. Actually, you know, there is a better way. Get yourself a rack of these gumball machines. Then put your different sized hardware into each one. For example, say I'm looking for a half-inch bolt. I just turn the crank. I need a half-inch nut to go with it. No problem. By golly. And here's the best part, instead of using coins, I'm using washers, eh? I'm using washers as slugs. ( muttering ) I think we're going to be ready for the canoe race even without duct tape. The real handyman is resourceful. When the world hands you a lemon, you jam it into a canoe hole. We got the paddles done, red. Yeah, they turned out pretty good. Yeah, we'll be fine. We'll probably come in second, unless there's more than two boats. Hey, guys, how's it going? Ed, what do you got there in your hand? Oh, turtle bite. I forgot the little guy was in my pocket. No, I mean in your other hand. You've got something that looks like a roll of duct tape, there. Oh, it's a roll of duct tape. There's all kinds of it up in the attic. What's it doing up there? We were using it to fix the heating ducts. I didn't know it was good for that. Well, there ought to be a couple more rolls up there. Stand back, guys. I'm going to open the trap door. Holy smokes. Holy smokes! [ cheering and applause ] [ possum squealing ] oh, it's meeting time. Okay, you guys go ahead. Don't tell the others about the duct tape. All right, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming home right after the meeting, and it looks like we can start on that house addition right away. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] sit down. Sit down. Gather round. Sit down. Have a seat. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Keep your heads bowed, men. I want to add a little personal prayer. Let's never forget that all good things come from above. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com